I don't mean to be, but I take writing seriously enough that when somebody just blatantly shits all over it as a profession, I can't help myself.
I get emails frequently enough about great contests to enter, and one in particular caught my eye last week. A writer's website is running this gig where they're asking members to write a treatment for a 'novel' which is self-published through one of those odious firms that claim to help undiscovered writers get their work into print. The scam is too much to get into, and I feel bad for these folks who think self-publishing their work is the way to get noticed (it usually isn't). So this contest is to adapt this 'novel' in the form of a treatment, as in 'how would you do this book as a movie?'
Normally I don't rag on other writers who put themselves out there, but....I'm sorry, when you write a really poorly-written novel about a gypsy girl in high school who encounters an 'immortal' (code for a vampire), and just blatantly rip off an already poorly-written tween vampire series, you're just not trying very hard, and you're insulting those of us who take the craft seriously.
Anyway, I got maybe fifteen pages into this book (whose name I won't reveal because I'm not a complete asshole) and decided this thing needed a treatment of its own. So, using my old alias of frankthetank, I wrote one up for submission. And yes, the all caps and bad spelling is intentional 'cause that's how Frank rolls. And yes I'm also aware having a secret alias is no good if you continuously give it away, but I'm not one to hide on the internet.
FYI this is all trademarked as of now so don't try stealing this movie idea.
Now bask in my brilliance:
SCREENPLAY TREATMENT FOR FRANK'S VAMPIRES BURSTING INTO FLAMES MOVIE EPIC
HOLY CRAP THIS IS LIKE WRITING A BOOK REPORT. HOW CAN THIS BE MADE INTO A MOVIE IT’S TEH SAME THING AS TWILIGHT. OH LOOK A GIRL IN HIGH SCHOOL HAS A THING FOR A GUY WHO’S SO CUTE HE CAN ONLY BE A VAMPIRE AND OH SHIT LOOK THERE ARE WOLVES TOO. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS GIRL SMOKING TO EVEN SIT DOWN AND WRITE THIS? NO WONDER SHE SELF PUBLISHED THIS SHIT THROUGH AUTHOR SOLUTIONS. A BETTER SOLUTION WOULD’VE BEEN TO JUST BURN THIS SHITPILE WHEN IT WAS SUBMITTED BUT THEN THEY WOULDN’T GET THEIR MONEY RIGHT? THIS MAKES STEPHANIE MYERS’ SHIT LOOK LIKE HEMINGWAY. SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE PUBLISHING INDUSTRY? AREN’T THERE STANDARDS OR SOME SHIT TO STOP THIS BLATANT CRAP FROM EVER SEEING THE LIGHT OF DAY OR ARE THESE ASSHOLES THINKING THEY CAN CASH IN ON TWILIGHT WITH MORE SHITTY GLOW IN THE LIGHT EMO VAMPIRES CRYING?
OK SO I’M GOING TO TAKE SOME LIBERTIES AS PER ROBERT MCKEE AND MAKE SOME MODIFICATIONS TO THIS FOR THE BIG SCREEN. NADYA JOHNSON (THAT NAME SOUNDS BETTER THAN COOPERSMITH) GOES BACK TO SCHOOL AND FINDS HER ENTIRE SENIOR CLASS IS DEAD, ALL OF THEM WITH HOLES IN THEIR NECKS AND SHE INVESTIGATES AND FIND THIS GUY ETHAN SUCKING ONE OF HER LAST LIVING CLASSMATES DRY. SHE CHASES HIM OFF WITH A STICK AND HE GETS HIT BY A CAR DRIVEN BY A WEREWOLF WHO’S UNDERAGE BUT HE’S A JUVENILE DELINQUENT WHO STOLE THE CAR AND HE DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYONE. ANYWAY ETHAN IS A VAMPIRE (SURPRISE) SO HE DOESN’T DIE BUT THE WEREWOLF (WHOSE NAME IS TIM) BACKS OVER HIM AND PINS HIM UNDER THE WHEELS. OH HE’S DRIVING AN 18 WHEELER BY THE WAY BECAUSE THIS TAKES PLACE IN TEH COUNTRY. SO HE HAS ETHAN THE VAMPIRE PINNED UNDER THE WHEELS AND HE GETS OUT AND STICKS A CROSS IN HIS MOUTH WHICH MAKES HIM SCREAM. THEN TIM GRABS NADYA AND JUMPS INTO THE AIR LIKE A HUNDRED FEET LEAVING THE SCHOOL BEHIND. HE TAKES HER TO A MEADOW CAUSE THEY’RE IN THE COUNTRY AND STARTS EATING A SHEEP AND TELLS HER ABOUT THIS PROPHECY THAT IF SHE EVER FUCKS A VAMPIRE SHE WILL TURN INTO A RAGING BLACK HOLE AND THE WHOLE WORLD WILL BE SUCKED UP INSIDE HER AND THEN SHE’LL BE SUCKED UP INSIDE IT ALSO. I DON’T KNOW EXACTLY HOW SOMETHING LIKE STRING THEORY WILL BE INVOLVED SO THE SCI FI GEEKS (OR IS IT SYFY?) WILL BE INTO IT. ANYWAY SO NADYA SWEARS SHE WOULDN’T FUCK ETHAN CAUSE HE KILLED HER FRIENDS AND SHE’S SAVING HERSELF FOR JUSTIN BIEBER. THEN TIM RUNS OFF CAUSE SOMETHING SCARES HIM LIKE MAYBE SARAH PALIN IN A HELICOPTER FLYING OVER ON A WOLF HUNT. THAT WAY WE MAKE A POLITICAL STATEMENT ABOUT HOW FUCKED UP SHE IS KILLING WOLVES AND THINKING SHE CAN BE PRESIDENT. ANYWAY SO NADYA HITCHIKES BACK TO HER HOUSE BUT HER MOM AND DAD ARE DEAD IN A MURDER SUICIDE PACT HER FATHER LEAVES CLUES WITH HIS DEAD BODY AND BLOOD THAT SPELL OUT THIS CLUE WHICH WE KNOW MEANS NADYA IS REALLY THE DAUGHTER OF A VAMPIRE SO THE PROPHECY IS ALL BULLSHIT BUT SHE DOESN’T KNOW THIS. ETHAN THEN SHOWS UP AND NADYA’S ALL YOU KILLED MY PARENTS AND ETHAN SAYS NO I WAS STUCK UNDER THE TRUCK UNTIL TRIPLE A SHOWED UP AND GOT ME OUT SO IT WASN’T ME. SO NOW THERE’S THIS MYSTERY ABOUT WHY HER FATHER WENT CRAZY AND KILLED HIS WIFE AND HER AND LEFT THIS CLUE AND IS IT TRUE. SO ETHAN AND NADYA GO TO THE AIRPORT AND TAKE A PLANE TO BRISBANE BECAUSE IT’S A BEAUTIFUL CITY TO UNRAVEL THE MYSTERY. I DON’T REALLY KNOW WHAT BRISBANE HAS TO DO WITH THIS BUT THE AUSTRALIAN TOURISM INDUSTRY IS HURTING AND COULD USE A BOOST PLUS I KNOW SOME AUSSIE CREW PEOPLE WHO WOULD WORK FOR CHEAP AND THEY KICK ASS IN DRINKING CONTESTS. ANYWAY SO NADYA WINDS UP FIGHTING A KANGAROO OR A RABID KOALA AND IS SAVED BY CROCODILE DUNDEE BECAUSE IT’S DAYTIME AND ETHAN IS SLEEPING IN HIS COFFIN. THEN CROCODILE DUNDEE GETS HIS BIG KNIFE AND STABS ETHAN BUT HE DOESN’T DIE SO MAYBE HE’S NOT REALLY A VAMPIRE BUT A GUY WHO WAS HYPNOTIZED TO THINK HE WAS. THAT COULD BE THE BIG MIDPOINT REVEAL. THEN NADYA IS MAD AT CROCODILE DUNDEE AND KICKS HIM OUT AND SINCE ETHAN ISN’T A VAMPIRE SHE FUCKS HIM BECAUSE ALL THE TRAVELING HAS MADE HER HORNY. THIS COULD BE A REALLY HOT STEAMY SEQUENCE WHERE WE SEE SOME TITS. I THINK SCARLETT JOHANSEN WOULD BE GOOD AS NADYA CAUSE SHE HAS NICE ONES AND I COULD BE ON SET FOR THE FILMING OF THIS SCENE SO I COULD TWEET IT WHILE I’M STANDING BEHIND THE DIRECTOR’S CHAIR KIND OF STROKING MYSELF THROUGH MY PANTS. JUST AN IDEA MAYBE I WON’T STROKE MYSELF UNTIL I’M IN PRIVATE IF IT WOULD BE UNPROFESSIONAL. OK SO AFTER THEY FUCK TIM THE WEREWOLF SHOWS UP AND IS ALL PISSED THINKING THIS IS GOING TO KICK OFF THE PROPHECY BUT ETHAN’S ALL HOW DID YOU GET TO AUSTRALIA AND TIM GOES OH FUCK PLOT HOLE SO WE FLASH BACK TO TIM STOWING ON BOARD THE QUEEN MARY WHICH MAKES AN EMERGENCY STOP IN SYDNEY AND THEN TIM JUST GOES WEREWOLF AND RUNS THROUGH THE DESERT PAST SOME REALLY COOL SCENERY AND THEN GETS TO WHERE THEY ARE SO THE PLOT HOLE IS FILLED UP. NOW THEY HAVE A PROBLEM CAUSE THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO IN BRISBANE AND THE TRAIL HAS GONE COLD AND NADYA CAN’T REMEMBER WHY THEY WENT THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE UNTIL SHE SEES AN OLD COUPLE FIGHTING AND THINKS OF HER FATHER DRUNKENLY BEATING HER MOTHER AND SAYS OH YEAH AM I A VAMPIRE OR NOT? THEN TIM SOLVES THE MYSTERY WHEN HE EATS A RABBIT AND HAS A PEYOTE VISION OF A THREESOME. I THINK IF THIS IS DONE WELL AND NOT TOO PORNLIKE IT HAS SOME POTENTIAL EVEN IF IT WINDS UP WITH AN NC17 RATING CAUSE ALL THE TWIHARDS WANT TO SEE SOME WEREWOLF/VAMPIRE ACTION THAT’S WHY THEY HAVE THE BEDSHEETS RIGHT? ANYWAY SO THEN NADYA IS KIDNAPPED BY HER FATHER’S TWIN BROTHER WALTHER WHO IS REALLY A VAMPIRE AND HER REAL FATHER AND HE DECIDES HE NEEDS TO DRAIN HER BLOOD SO ALL VAMPIRES WILL LIVE WHILE ALL HUMANS DIE. HE TAKES HER TO LOCH NESS AND THEN ETHAN AND TIM HAVE TO TEAM UP TO SAVE HER SO THEY STEAL A PLANE FROM A TOP SECRET MILITARY BASE IN AUSTRALIA THAT ONLY THE CIA KNOWS ABOUT BUT ETHAN KNOWS SHIT BECAUSE HE’S KIND OF PSYCHIC. SO THEY STEAL THE PLANE AND GET INTO A DOGFIGHT WITH SOME CHINESE PLANES AND BLOW THEM UP AND KEEP GOING UNTIL THEY RUN OUT OF FUEL AND HAVE TO USE PARAGLIDERS TO GET TO SCOTLAND. BUT JUST AS THEY GET TO HER THE PROPEHCY COMES TRUE AND EVERYTHING IS SUCKED UP INSIDE HER AND SHE EXPLODES. THEN SHE WAKES UP IN A MENTAL INSTITUTION AND THE WHOLE THING WAS A PARNOID DELUSION SO TEH AUDIENCE LEAVES LIKE WHAT THE FUCK I DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING.
OKAY SO THAT’S TEH TREATMENT LET ME KNOW WHAT KIND OF MONEY YOU GUYS ARE WILLING TO PAY FOR IT. THIS IS MY FIRST ADAPTATION AND ROBERT MCKEE SAYS SOMETIMES IF THE SOURCE MATERIAL SUCKS YOU NEED TO REINVENT WELL THIS MATERIAL SUCKED A BIG HAIRY TESTICLE SO I HAD TO TAKE A LOT OF LIBERTIES. THANKS AND LET ME KNOW WHEN TO EXPECT MY CHECK.
FRANK